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Flying Blind/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, one of the downsides of having a vehicle for a while and perhaps not keeping it as clean and tidy as you should have is that over time, you can build up an aroma that is extremely...Odiferous in nature. [ sniffs ] especially on a hot day. [ wheezes ] and here's a quick, easy solution. 'cause when it comes to a bad smell, you don't have to clean it out, you just have to drown it out. So get the foot pump off your air mattress, take the hose off there... [ pops ] now, go into your cupboard and get all those 10-year-old half-full bottles of aftershave people used to give you for your birthday and christmas until they finally gave up on making you smell good. And then just pour them into the foot pump. This is the only spice girl you'll ever get close to -- old spice. [ tape stretching ] just stick the foot pump in the middle of the driver's seat. Attach the end of the hose to the rearview mirror. Now every time you get in your vehicle, you'll be pumping out daisies. [ toots, hisses ] [ tires screech ] [ foot pump tooting ] [ tires screech ] [ coughing ] captioning made possible by acorn media [ cheers and applause ] appreciate it. Appreciate that. Yeah, big, big week up at the lodge this week. I've decided to put on an air show featuring old airplanes, wartime airplanes from the olden days. Now, ordinarily, we'd never be able to afford to do something like that, but last week, we got a big check from the government. Turns out, there was a federal rep up here, and he saw the condition of the lodge. He figured we'd been the victims of a terrorist attack. So they sent us 5 grand to tear the place down. Uncle red! Yeah? You know what? I was thinking. Maybe you should let me decide how to spend the $5,000. Oh, no, no, no, no, harold. No. The invention of the computer is proof that bad things happen when nerds have money. Plus, I've already invested the 5 grand. Oh, well, you know, beer's not an investment. Harold, what do people around here love to watch flying through the air? The dukes of hazzard. They love that. They do. Vintage warplanes, harold. Bombers and fighters soaring through the sky with the original pilots in the cockpits. Where are you gonna find a bunch of old pilots and vintage airplanes? Through old man sedgwick. A couple of the guys went to school with his grandson. And I'm not just talking a flyby, harold. They do spins and rolls and even a simulated air strike. There's one guy, bomber mckenna -- he dropped more bombs than anybody in the history of aviation. Wow! Yeah. Well, okay. Did he get a medal for that? No, he got three years less a day 'cause it was during peacetime. Oh. That's not enough. I don't know. See, I don't think an air show's a very good idea, no. Harold, I've already sold over 1,000 tickets. Wa-a-a! We got this deal that if you buy 5 tickets or more, we promise not to crash on your house. You know, that's called marketing. No, that's called extortion. Uncle red, I mean, do you have any things like, oh, insurance and permits to have an air show? How do you mean? Per-mits, in-sur-ance. I-I don't remember. Ohh! Oh, all right. Come on. Let's go down to city hall. I know the procedure. You want me to do the talking? No! I'll do the talking. You do the waiting in the van. It's time for the possum lodge word game. Oh. Today's winner gets this coupon, good for one free 18th-century musket courtesy of the canadian military historical society. "musket may be recalled by the canadian armed forces in event of war." mike, cover your ears. Red, you have 30 seconds to get mike to say the word "back." "back." all right, glen. Go. Uh, all right, mike. This is an expression. "don't look..." suspicious. Okay, no. If you take something that's not yours, you should always give it... A couple of days before you wear it in public. No. Okay, okay. If -- if a friend double-crosses you, they stab you in the... Exercise yard. No. Okay, okay. Okay, this is a phrase you'll hear somebody say. "take one step forward and two steps..." uh, away from the rest of the lineup. No, no. Okay. When you were a kid, you'd go on a road trip with your dad, and he'd say, "climb in the..." trunk. No. Okay, okay. No. Okay. Arnold schwarzenegger said this. "I'll be..." president. No. Okay, okay. No, no. Okay. You see this at a construction site. It's a hoe. Aunt trixie? We're running out of time, red. Yeah, uh, yeah. Okay, okay. Mike, where do they keep the safe in a bank? Well, I can't tell you that, mr. Green, 'cause I might lose my job as a security officer. You're a bank security officer? You got that job? Yeah. [ chuckles ] you see, there was no background check. There we go! [ bell dinging ] yay! Yay! Welcome to the talking animals portion of the show, where local animal-control officer ed frid is here to tell us all about... I'm gonna take a wild guess and say... The bear? Yes, red. Yes. [ chuckles ] and judging by the fact that you're not wearing a suit of armor or wetting your pants, I'm kind of assuming this is some kind of toy stuffed bear or some -- [ bear growls ] ohh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Whoa, a little jumpy there, red, eh? [ chuckles ] boy, it really makes me laugh to see how some people are afraid of wild animals, huh? [ chuckles ] oh, yeah. You're -- you're awful calm there. You been hypnotized or tranquilized? Not me, red. But he will. [ chuckles ] oh. Ohh, yeah. I'm not shooting blanks. I'm shooting tranqs. Yeah. Ho ho ho. Yes, sirree, red. Bears may have claws and teeth ♪ but I got my dart gun ♪ [ chuckles ] and I love my dart gun. [ chuckles ] can I see that for a sec, there, ed? Sure. Oh, and, uh, here's a safety tip for you youngsters out there. Uh, whenever you're handing a firearm to a school chum or a teacher, um... Turn it around so you always hand them the, uh, grip first. Yeah, and make sure the safety's on, right? Oh, well, that goes without saying. I always have the safety on. [ laughs ] oh, yeah. Okay. [ safety clicks ] [ sighs ] there we go. [ chuckles ] safety -- [ bear growls ] oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, I don't have the gun! Do you have the gun?! I don't have the gun. Do you think the bear has the gun? Very much so, yes. Okay, okay. Don't panic. Don't panic. Uh, uh, don't forget. The safety is still on. Right. [ safety clicks ] ohh! [ bear growling ] oh! Oh! Okay, okay. If you stand still, he won't shoot! [ gunshot ] [ growling continues ] oh, it was just a theory. Okay. Oh! Oh! Hey, ed. You're okay. There's only one dart in that gun. [ sighing ] oh. [ gunshot ] oh, god! Well, uh, it was just a theory. [ thud ] some of you young people may not know what this is. Heck, most of you aren't even watching. Well, this is a waterwheel that used to power the old flour mill down by mercury creek. The rushing water would turn the wheel and grind the wheat. Mind you, we don't do it that way anymore. I'm going back like six months ago. But just because something's old and rotten and smells funny doesn't mean it's useless. Hey, that could be the new lodge slogan. We're gonna think outside the box. Might as well. You're not gonna do much thinking once you're in the box. Everybody's harping now about emissions and how global warming is making the whales sweat to death. Here we have a source of free power. We're just throwing it away. So, this time on "handyman corner," we're gonna make a car that runs on water. I happen to have a car here that the engine fell out of. I guess I was just born lucky. Hold it. Hold it. Wait a sec. Engine's still in there. This project's gonna take a little longer than I thought. There we go. [ tape stretching ] get yourself a bathtub that nobody's using... Maybe from a frat house. I'm just filling her up here. It's self-serve. By the way, you might want to have a real loud radio in the vehicle. 'cause if all you hear is the water tinkling, you'll be stopping at every rest area you come to. I got a piece of downspout running from the drain so I can direct the water, and this valve controls it. This is the linkage from my gas pedal to open the belt, and I got a bungee on there to shut it off. I got her set up so the water comes down the pipe and falls onto my waterwheel, which is hooked into the transmission. So, I'll be grinding gears instead of flour. And the bathtub holds about 50 gallons, so I figure I should get at least 100 miles between fill-ups, even more if it rains. You people who live on the west coast should be able to go for months. So, there you have it. I've built a zero-emissions, fuel-efficient car, and I've saved the planet for free. Now, you're probably thinking I'll get a nobel prize for physics, eh? Forget about it. Talk about people who don't return phone calls. Hey, that's all water under the bridge. Or as I call it, water under the car. So, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome... [ gear shifts ] ...They should at least find you handy. Oh, oh, oh. I forgot. This thing runs on high-test. [ water splashes ] there are a few things that separate men from the animals. We get to walk upright and talk to good-looking women. They get to live in the woods and eat their young. On the other hand, we get to pay income tax, and they get to lick themselves. But the main thing we have that the animals don't is foresight -- the ability to predict the long-term outcome of our actions and change our behavior accordingly. [ chuckles ] truth is, most men don't start out with much foresight, and the longer they live, the less of it they retain. It's why men have thoughts like, "why would I stop for gas when I still have 1/64 of a tank left?" or, "I'll just leave this drawer open while I stick my head into the cupboard directly below it." or, "hey, if I feel this good after two beers, imagine how good I'll feel after five." we know we're gonna pay later, but we do it anyway. It's almost like the guy we are right now really doesn't like the guy we will be 10 minutes from now. And if you're married, you not only suffer from your lack of foresight, you may have to put up with an annoyed wife who criticizes you for acting without thinking of the consequences. Well, you just go ahead and remind her that she's not much better. You're not the only one who said, "I do." or maybe that's just something you and I can know and not mention. That's called foresight. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Roses are brown, violets are smothered, time to call rothschild's before the whole lawn is covered. Man! We go down to city hall to get the permit for our air show. Honest abe here tells them we're, like, re-creating the london blitz. Well, I think it's always best to be completely truthful. I can't wait till you get married. Well, you can't pretend it's a picnic and have all these antique planes flying overhead, dropping bombs and everything. I think somebody might notice. It's no wonder we were refused a permit. Yeah, so, okay. Now I need a different plan. See, a true promoter always figures a way out. What would p.T. Barnum do if he lived in possum lake? Move. Wait a minute. [ chuckles ] oh, no. What do we have here in possum lake, harold? Inbreeding. We have a model airplane club. We'll put on the air show using model airplanes. Huh? Oh! Yeah. Oh, oh! Oh! Why didn't I think of that?! Oh, I know why! 'cause it's ridiculous. It's not ridiculous. It's brilliant, harold. Okay? People will come to an air show. Model planes will fly by up near the sun so they're squinting. They got themselves an air show. People see what they want to see. Yeah, but what about what they hear? Huh? I mean, a real plane goes... [ imitates airplane engine roaring ] model airplane goes... [ imitates model airplane engine buzzing ] I don't think people are that gullible. Oh, sure they are. You got engaged. Oh. Red: Boy, I wish bill would stay sitting down. Anyway, can't do anything about that now. We're on our way over to one of these places where they have these rope-ride things. I don't know what you call them. But bill's door was kind of jammed, so I came to help him, and he... Well, you know. He's out. Okay. No harm done. No harm done. Okay, some harm done. He points something. There's the -- like the demonstrator guy, and it's way up on a pole, and what he does is he hooks kind of a tether onto this line, and then away he goes, and... I wasn't quite sure why we're here, but... Well, I thought, yeah, okay, that's good. But bill was really excited about it and -- ow! And, uh, so the fella comes over, and, uh, for some reason, he hands me the harness and the helmet. I don't know -- no -- what? What? No. I don't -- no, no. They both seem to have the impression that I would be somehow interested in doing something along that line, and -- no, I know, bill. You're so excited. You know what? You go 12 times, and then I'll think about it. No, he's think-- no, no, I'm saying, "no, you go." no, no. Then, okay. So I got an idea. So, uh, call heads or tails. Okay, heads or tails. Now, bill's got to make a decision. That's heads and then... Now he makes it tails and then... Back to heads and then... Tails, tails. I see my life passing in front of my eyes. So finally I say, "I don't have a coin anyway. It doesn't matter." so... Now he tries to go up the pole. Bill, this may not be the pole that you really want to climb. And the way it works with these rope things, you don't actually climb up. They have, like, the tether rope, and it comes down and hooks onto your harness, and then you get somebody to pull down, which would be me, and that's supposed to lift you up. Well... You know what? There's -- ohh. All right, I -- but I just didn't -- you know, when you get them to a certain height, and you can't get your hands to go up and over, and, uh, what am I gonna do? I... You know, I'm thinking to myself there's got to be a better way. And there is. So, uh, bill gets up on top of the little stand there, and he -- I mean, I had to admire his courage. He was... No, I'm saying I have to admire your courage, bill. Oh, I can't watch this. It just -- come on, bill. Come on. Bill, come on, come on. I'm not coming up there for you. You might as well go. You might as well jump. So finally, he just gives it a go and... Doesn't go so good. He starts heading for the van. [ crashes ] oh! And the tether rope flies up and hits the high-tension wire. And, uh, boy, bill has -- has never looked so electrically charged up there. Ohh! All right. And that's bill's adventure. You see a lot of unusual things in people's bathrooms. It's fun to look, actually. But one thing you hardly ever see is a smoke detector. I guess it reminds them of being on a plane. I don't know. But to me, that's shortsighted. Now, you may be thinking, "I won't be able to hear that smoke alarm from the bedroom," or "where am I gonna smoke so the kids won't see me now?" or, "change the channel, honey." but hey, smoke detectors are not only sensitive to smoke, they're also sensitive to steam. And nothing steams me more than houseguests taking showers that are too long, too hot, and too expensive. Long, hot, and expensive are three things that are never good, unless you're talking about one of those late-night movies on cable. Here's how to shorten those showers. Once you have installed the smoke detector, get yourself one of these sound-activated, goofy-looking dolls that dance like old man sedgwick after he's had a couple mai tais. [ tape stretching ] you know, the santa doll's a great choice because most of our houseguests come at christmas, making peace on earth that much harder. Now, I've asked harold to take a shower -- a hot shower for a change -- so I can demonstrate my brilliance. The steam will trigger the smoke alarm, the smoke alarm will trigger the dancing santa, and the dancing santa will trigger harold. [ water running ] [ harold humming ] [ smoke alarm beeping ] whoo! [ toilet flushes ] harold: Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [ chuckles ] harold: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ho ho ho. [ chuckles ] ooh, ooh, ooh! Harold: Oh, oh, oh, oh! [ model airplane engine buzzing ] [ airplane crashes ] well, that was a fun day. That was not my fault, harold. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. Of course not. You just dive-bombed 1,000 people with 20 gas-powered model airplanes. Everything else was just bad luck. Okay. See, the problem was that the models looked too tiny way up in the sky, so I told the operators to bring them down low so they looked like real planes. Yeah. Yeah. They may have overreacted. Yeah, I think -- I think flying under the picnic tables was probably a mistake, you know. There were some injuries. Yeah, buster hadfield's afraid he won't be able to have children. Yeah. Hey, lucky for them. Ooh. I couldn't believe how mad everybody got. Here I am, trying to entertain people, and all they could do is complain about getting their clothes shredded. I mean, who wears good clothes to an air show anyway? They just wanted their money back. Well, I was very fair, harold. I told them a model airplane is 10% the size of a real plane, so I gave them 10% of their money back. And there was no damage, harold. Plus, all 20 planes have been accounted for. Oh, no. No, no, no. Just 19 of them, actually. Ohh! [ model airplane engine buzzing ] whew! [ screeching ] meeting time, uncle red baron. Well, thank you, stupid. That's red baron and snoopy. I know. So, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and today I learned that you should always choose the real thing over a model. So, aren't you glad that you married me instead of a model? I'll lie if you will. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and snoopy and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Captioning made possible by acorn media [ screeching ] man: Sit down. Sit down. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. All: I'm a man... But I can change... If I have to... I guess. Red: All right, men. In fairness to the model airplane club, I need some volunteers to help glue all the airplanes back together. Now, we're gonna be working in a well-ventilated area, which, with you guys, is never a bad idea.